The other day I received a mailing from our local pizza delivery place. The post card got my attention because not only did it include a list of some incredibly unhealthy yet appealing cheese-laden package deals, but also three detachable paper door hangers… interesting.

The idea, according to the text on the card, is that my pizza folks understand that I “might have trouble getting to the door by the time the pizza arrives 30 minutes after I order it.” So, they suggested that I “simply tear out the hanger that best depicts my situation, hang it on the door and then relax knowing my pizza delivery person will know I’ll be back soon.” It included messages such as, “I’ll be right there, I’m on the phone” or “Went to grab cash, be right back.”

Call me crazy, but when I call for a pizza to be delivered, it’s usually because I’m either A) frantic because the fridge is a barren wasteland of crumbs and a lone jar of pickles or B) as fried as a mozzarella stick and can’t muster the energy to make dinner or C) all of the above and my husband is stuck in an airport/meeting/conference call somewhere. In fact, during those times that I break down and dial for dinner, you’d be more likely to find me with my nose pressed flat to the window, awaiting the beacon of sanity that is a compact car with a neon-lit pizza affixed to the top. Not off doing an errand.

As a former marketing gal, I could probably do my local pizza folks a big favor by offering up a door hanger or two that would be more appropriate for its patrons.

So here’s just a few ideas:

• Hi Delivery Person. Not to be rude or anything, but you said you’d be here in 30 minutes. It’s been at least 33. If I don’t answer the door right away, it’s because I can’t hear the bell over the deafening noise that is my cranky and hungry offspring. So hungry in fact, that they snuck the mammoth box of goldfish crackers out of the cabinet and invented a creative new game called “feed the seal.” So now I’m sweeping up approximately 734 crushed crackers that litter the floor around my daughter who is lying on the ground dressed in a mermaid costume, shouting “Ar, Ar, Ar, Ar!”
• Hi Delivery Person. I’m in the bathroom frantically applying makeup because the sitter will be here any minute and the only pair of black pantyhose I own just got a HUGE runner. And I don’t have any extra cash for a tip so please accept this door hanger IOU, I promise I’m good for it. I had money earlier today, but I spent it on a giant coffee at the Dunkin Donuts drive thru about two hours ago because otherwise I’d never stay awake for this rare night out. Thanks for understanding, be with you in just a sec!
• Hi again…actually, can you just come on in? I need a second opinion on this outfit. I think the skirt is a little too tight and not sure if these earrings work? And I’m already so dang late I’ll never make it on time with this traffic. Would you take the expressway or Rt. 4 this time of night? Oh, and could you be a doll and just grab the paper plates out of the cabinet for the kids? THANKS!
• There’s a check for $100 taped to the inside of this door. If you can be back here in 30 minutes or less with a pair of jet black Super Energy pantyhose (aisle four at Stop & Save) and jump start the dead battery in my minivan, IT’S YOURS.
  P.S. Please leave the pizza.

I sure hope my pizza delivering friends appreciate my door hanger ideas. I know in the end they’re just trying to make my day a little easier…no matter how you slice it.