As of today at approximately 9:04am, I officially had both of my babies back in school. And after spending a good 15 minutes catching up with various members of my momtourage in the preschool parking lot, I came home and did what any ultra-efficient mom would do with 2.5 gloriously free hours alone in a house that is a virtual disaster zone of teeny tiny legos, laundry and dust – I cleaned for 10 minutes then ordered new “activewear” online from Walmart (Target, I’m so very sorry I cheated on you but I swear it was only for the $11 Danskin workout pants) and I watched clips of the MTV Video Music Awards online.

Very productive stuff.

But you know, the two-week process that is the back-to-school integration program is quite taxing. It involves, at the most basic level 1) getting the kids into bed by 8pm (brutal after a summer of loosy goosy bedtimes) 2) planning ahead and shopping/stocking up on ample lunch/snack supplies with maximum amount of nutritional value such as milk, bread, apples, organic peanut butter, goldfish crackers and Transformer & My Pretty Pony fruit snacks and 3) staying on top of the myriad of communication flying in at an alarming rate from schools/rec departments/dance studios/committees via mail/email/text messages/Blackberry/Facebook/backpacks, etc.

So I sat down to dinner with the kids tonight, feeling quite weary, and served up a casual meal of macaroni & cheese for them, cereal for me. This was a practical choice given that my husband was simultaneously enjoying free seats and cold beer at the first Patriots game of the season…while he got to check out the King of Quarterbackness Tom Brady, I slurped down a bowl of Kashi and sorted through the mail, including a parenting magazine. Waaaahoo.

Although I truly regard these publications as wonderful resources for a wealth of information on all things parenting, I just didn’t have the heart to open it tonight. Without a doubt I could still use whatever knowledge its pages and experts can dole out, despite my 6+ years of experience in the role of “Mooooommmy!”. But after a glance at the headlines, I just couldn’t make myself flip it open. Here’s perhaps some insight into why:

Headline #1: “Discipline That Really Works”
(note: actual headlines have been altered to protect the privacy of said publication that with any luck may actually publish an article/essay/classified ad written by yours truly at some point in the future. I doubt this will help my chances).

Anyhoo, I right away would suggest something slightly different, something more along the lines of:

“M&M’s, Polly Pockets and Chucky Cheese: How to Get Your Kid to Do Whatever You Want, When You Want!’

Their headline #2: “Budget Costumes for Halloween’

My suggestion:
“How to Turn Your Big Brother’s Old Teletubby Costume Into a Deranged Yellow Bunny for His Little Sister! Without Spending a Dime!’

Headline #3: “How to Get a Few Minutes of Peace for Yourself Each Day”

Yeah…..how about:
“Tequila, TiVo and Other Shortcuts to Sanity”

Headline #4: “Hundreds of Great Baby Names!”

Listen, let’s just cut to the chase on this one:
“Just Do Your Kid a Favor and Don’t Name Them After a Celebrity or Something Found in the Cold/Remedy Aisle (e.g. Kanye, Robitussin).”

Hmmm.

Maybe I’ve become a bit jaded. Or maybe I’ve been a mom long enough to know that sometimes you have to take a break from the info-gathering, the advice, the comparison shopping and cut yourself some slack.

Even the experts will tell you that.