Thanks to the fast-acting anti-fraud department of my credit card company, I’ve recently been informed that someone in Iowa has been using my credit card number to fill up on gas and go on a shopping spree at Target (uh, hello, that’s my job).

Then, I realized my usual 8-week span between pricey hair coloring appointments now has to be reduced to 6 weeks, thanks to the silvery gray strands that keep peeking out around my temples. Ugh.

And as I walk around the house with the air conditioner blasting, my recycling bin overflowing and the knee-deep stack of magazines in my office, I shudder at the thought of what the size of my “carbon footprint” might be (not that I really understand what that is, I just keep hearing that buzz phrase). Which reminds me…should I switch to a different bug spray for the kids? What’s worse? Deet or ticks? And I really should investigate non-pesticide lawn fertilization because the note “Don’t let the kids play on the lawn for 3 days” left by my fertilizer guy recently kind of freaked me out.

And how bad will the recession get?
And who will be the next president?
Will mortgage rates skyrocket?!
Will my son ever advance from Level 0 to Level 1 in swim class?!?!?

All this to mull over, and when I finally get a minute the other day to sit down with the paper and a giant mug of coffee, my eyes scan the front page and find this little nugget:

“UNITED STATES UNPREPARED FOR AN ASTEROID STRIKE, SCIENTISTS SAY”

Seriously?! Are they seriously putting this out there? I read on…

“NASA has established a Near-Earth Object Program Office at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena to monitor potentially dangerous asteroids. The most scrutinized is Apophis, which has a 1 in 45,000 chance of hitting Earth in 2036.”

Really? A 1 in 45,000 chance? So now we can whip ourselves into a frenzy over this and the price of gas? But don’t get me wrong. I’m sure people much, much, much smarter than I have utilized amazing technology to figure out that big, scary rocks are headed for our planet. I worked at a science museum once…I get it. But I just don’t think now is the time to add this to our repertoire of national concerns.

I just don’t see how I can personally add “Check the sky for catapulting asteroids” to my morning to-dos along with hiding my husband’s sugar cereal from the kids.

I can hear the banter at the playground now…

“Hey Jen! How are things? I hear you and the family are headed to Disney!”

“Oh yeah, well, we decided to delay that until 2037. You know, the asteroid and all. Breakfast with Cinderella will have to wait! Too bad my daughter will be 32 by then!”

Bummer.

So the little article filled with doom ended by stating, “If and when scientists are able to identify a potential killer asteroid, the deeper question is how to deflect it. Ideas have ranged from using nuclear weapons to blow it up to sending a spacecraft that would use gravity to drag the object off its destructive path.”

Now there’s an idea. But let’s skip the nuclear fireworks and just get a crew of talented engineers at NASA working on a giant super-anti-asteroid space rocket hauler. Then, we can call Bruce Willis or better yet, Will Smith and tell him to gather a crew of wise-cracking tough guys and fly into space and take care of it. They can drag that sucker out of the stratosphere and keep us out of harm’s way. Maybe Disney would buy the darn thing…

“Now Open! Located just two short light years above Orlando, Florida visit, Disney’s New Space Resort, Apophis Asteroid Castle!” Departures daily from the Magic Kingdom!

It’s a thought anyway. At least then we wouldn’t have to wait so long for breakfast with Cinderella.